When Melissa Collins decided to leave her marriage, it did not occur to her that her sons would not go with her… They didn’t, and for the past 11 years, she has been mothering from a distance.
“When I told my husband I was leaving, after our on-again-off-again marriage of 12 years, he asked me not to take our two sons as he was in a better financial position and had a business with loads of support staff,” Melissa tells Kidspot.
A mother of three boys, Oliver, 26, (her son from her first divorce, who was in boarding school at the time of her second separation), Harry, 17 and Rory, 16, Melissa was a freelance voice-over artist with fluctuating income, so it seemed like the best outcome for the youngest boy’s stability to remain in their home, at their school and with their friends.
Melissa made the difficult decision to leave her sons, aged six and seven at the time of the divorce with her ex-husband, honestly believing it was in their best interest.
In turn, feeling emotionally spent from being in an unhappy marriage and needing time and support to heal, she moved from their home in southern Queensland to Brisbane to be close to her family and friends.
“When resources are limited, you do what you can”
“At first I would call them daily, but the novelty of that wore off pretty quickly as there wasn’t much to say, we were just repeating the same conversation about school and homework over and over,” says Melissa.
Instead, they Skyped from time to time and Melissa had them stay with her every second weekend. To make it easier for them in the beginning, as the boys hated the three-hour road trip, she herself drove the distance to see them – giving them time and flexibility to get used to the new way of things. Gradually they warmed up to the idea and visited her often.
“During the limited time we had together I would try and pack all my mothering in – doing fun things including skating, playing Xbox games, watching movies and cooking their favourite foods,” she says.
“We came to have favourite places like a pizza shop that we would go to before a movie, a loved ice cream shop and the best places for brekkie nearby. My sons call those occasions and our important conversations ’Triple M’s’ – ‘Mum’s Meaningful Moments.’ It’s pretty funny, but when resources are limited, you do what you can.”
“I had to prioritise my self-care”
Melissa says how amongst important topics, they spent lots of time talking about was also the divorce and her need to move away, as honestly and as openly as possible.
“My decision to leave hurt them a lot and age-appropriately through the years I have gradually tried to convey to them how my decision was equally heart-breaking,” she says.
“It would’ve been great if I could’ve lived closer to them but that was not viable at the time. I knew that for me to have a healthy relationship with them I had to prioritise my self-care, which only seemed possible if I lived away from our small township and close to supporting and understanding friends and family.”
“Other people judged me harshly for the decision to leave”
When her boys entered their teens, Melissa welcomed an opportunity to live in Europe.
“The boys were busy with sport and friends and weren’t coming to my place as much, so I believed that by being overseas they could come to visit me in interesting places, and I could have them for longer stretches of time.”
But that was not the case, and five months later she returned home after missing her kids terribly.
“Having more emotive conversations with my sons from the other side of the world made me realise that even though I wasn’t seeing them as much and that they were becoming more independent, I was and still am an especially important person in their lives.
“I guess it took living that far away for me to appreciate my role as their mother, even if other people judged me harshly for the decision to leave in the first place and then for the choice I made to live overseas.”
The social pressures on women as mothers
“Some of my family members don’t speak to me to this day because they believe that I did the wrong thing by my children for leaving them and becoming the non-custodial mother after the divorce,” says Melissa.
“Unexpectedly, when I went from being a hands-on parent to a weekend parent, my mum friendships quickly dissolved as we didn’t have that point of reference anymore. It was a very isolating experience, which I struggled to understand at the time and still do.”
Melissa also shares how she feels there is so much social pressure on women when it comes to mothering. “The role of women as mothers is outweighed to that of men as fathers and I don’t believe that’s healthy. I feel dads are as responsible for the needs of a well-functioning family,” she says.
“In my case I realised I was resentful and unhappy, and I didn’t want to be that kind of mother for my sons. I couldn’t live up to the expectations that I should only dedicate myself to family life, raise kids and take care of my husband at the expense of my pretty basic human wants and needs,” she tells Kidspot.
“By doing so, I hope I’ve set a good example for my son’s future relationships with women and as partners, and to realise that both men and women should be equally free to live their lives while also being parents, taking everyone’s needs and hopes and dreams into account.
“Consequently, if I stayed married there would have been a different set of complications in kids being raised by unhappily married parents.”
“Childhood doesn’t last forever… adult life is much longer”
Looking back Melissa says she did feel mum guilt and didn’t always get things right but punishing herself and perpetuating that feeling of shame and remorse doesn’t benefit anyone.
“Knowing what I know now, if I was in a different frame of mind and was healthier and felt stronger, I might have made different choices, but I was there for them as best I could emotionally, helping them navigate the ups and downs of life,” she says.
“There’s a lot I missed out on with them, and they have missed out with me too, but there’s just no way around that and it nearly always hurts. I tell myself and them, that childhood doesn’t last forever, and adult life is much longer, so we have a lot more to look forward to as life goes on.”
Melissa currently moderates a private Facebook group for non-custodial mothers called Mothers Together and advises and suggests women who are thinking of leaving their kids with their other parent to really think it through and to make sure there are strategies in place for continuing contact.
“The kids need to know that while a marriage is ending, their relationship with you is not. In contemplating a decision that is this big, if you can fast forward to a time when you are explaining your decision to leave to your kids and you can respond to their questions or even their judgements with honour and dignity, then you know you’ve done the right thing. Your kids will be OK.”
Source: kidspot.com.au
