n 1999 I was 29 and living in Amsterdam. I met my now ex-husband while traveling in the United States in 1996. Three years later, we married and I moved to be with him in the U.S. I had a difficult childhood which left me with a lot of unhealed emotional issues that I brought into the marriage. It meant I had an unhealthy view of what relationships were about and what loving someone was supposed to be like. I only now realize I was attracted to a controlling man since I was raised by a narcissist mother. We stayed together for 20 years. Our sons are now 9 and 16 and they live full time with their father in the U.S.
Our relationship was very tumultuous. I was tolerating emotional, psychological, physical and sexual abuse. But it all ended one afternoon in June 2019 when I got the strength to break the trauma bond and I realised I just couldn’t take it anymore. I could not keep on living a lie. I was completely losing myself while allowing being abused and disrespected. I walked out the door and never went back to the family home to live again. I meant it that day so much so that I ended up sleeping in my car that night rather than go back to the home I shared with him and our sons. I really had no plan that day other than getting out and getting away. So, until I figured things out I knew it was best for the boys to stay in the family home.
Six months later, the boys’ father moved 2.5 hours away to be closer to his job and I decided to move back to Amsterdam to the life I had left behind 20 years prior. Living in the same town as him was unaffordable for me. I also feared for my safety and could not even tolerate the thought of continuing to be controlled. It was necessary for me to break that bond by being physically far away from him. It’s been 1.5 years since we are not on the same continent. It’s very difficult to be this far away and try to maintain a relationship with my sons. I noticed that the longer they are with him, the more they get used to not being with me. My ex is very controlling and when I say white, he says black. Anything to make things difficult. An uphill battle. Typical outcome dealing with a narcissist. What breaks me is the injustice of it all. I can only hope the children will be able to see the truth as they get older. I try to get back to the U.S. to visit my sons every 3 months. But it is getting harder because my plans can be thwarted by my sons’ father sometimes. It gets to be financially and emotionally draining. And the closer physically I am to my ex, the worst psychologically it gets. Covid didn’t make things easier either.
I get triggered many times by my children’s behaviour. After all, they only know saw how their father disrespected me and think I am the crazy one who left after what he describes as me having a nervous breakdown. And who knows what else he tells them!
I’m hoping for a positive outcome with the mediation in court. I am afraid though, that because of their fathers’ influence in the way he talks about me to them and blames me for the relationship ending, that it will be difficult to maintain healthy contact between my sons and I. I am torn and this is painful. But from many counselling sessions with my psychologist and support groups, the main focus is to find my true self and not allow myself to lose who I am.
I am learning so much about narcissism. I am focusing on healing, but foremost, I am learning to release and heal the fear of the narcissist and whatever he may do next. I do not want to feel powerless and terrified when the narcissist attacks since he does not like losing. I am learning to shift and release all the pain and the fear and come back to my inner detachment and peace. It is a journey. I feel the pain of not being with my boys whom I love so much on a daily basis! I do keep my hope that they come visit me in Amsterdam and that they will understand that my intention by leaving was my only option to save myself and not abandon them. I love them so much!
Anonymous
Amsterdam
January 2022
