PART ONE
I left my husband 5 years ago. Our daughter was 3 at the time. My daughters father was always a hands-on dad so when we separated I assumed we would continue sharing childcare. However, my daughter didn’t want to keep switching households (half the week with me and other half with him) and preferred to stay with her father in the apartment we had shared (I had moved out). So, after months of trying a system that wasn’t working for her, we changed to her visiting me every second weekend and living with her father the rest of the time and I paid him child support. This is a set-up we still have today and that still works well for us all. In the meantime, I have remarried, had 2 more children and moved into a house 20 minutes away from my daughter.
PART TWO
Guilt
I felt guilty at the time for leaving and even wished sometimes that my husband had done something genuinely bad so that everyone would understand why I left. But in the end, it was just a matter of us both developing as people in different directions and simply not seeing a fulfilled future together anymore. I was definitely the driving force behind our separation, and I had met someone else which of course increased my guilty conscience. The guilt led to me thinking I was not entitled to anything, including fighting to keep my daughter. Looking back at it now however I know that she didn’t want to be with me at the time. My whole situation was uncertain (where will I live, will the relationship with my new partner work etc). Whether it was due to guilt or not, in the end it was the right decision for my daughter at the time. She needed stability and familiar surroundings within her network.
Counselling
I honestly don’t know how I would have coped with everything without regularly seeing a counsellor. I started seeing my counsellor before leaving my husband and carried on with the counselling for years afterwards during the divorce and for big milestones such as getting married again and deciding to have more children. Through counselling I was able to put my emotions into words and go through all my topics in a non-judgemental way with a non-biased person.
Now that I have had two more children who live with me, I can finally cope better with not being the primary carer of my daughter. Until that point, I found it very difficult to admit to people that she didn’t live with me. I still haven’t met another mum who is not primary carer. People assume the children either live with their mum or at least half of the time. Even now during COVID I sometimes get asked, “how’s your daughter doing with school?” “ Did she get tested this morning?” etc and I honestly don’t know. I don’t even know what she’s wearing or if she’s going to someone’s party after school. I am not involved in her daily life. And that’s ok for her and I have also got used to it over the years. But I still feel embarrassed by it sometimes.
Not everything is linked to separation
Bringing up children is a challenge whether the parents are together or not. I used to think that our separation was the cause of everything that didn’t go right: if my daughter was having a bad day, if she’s not sleeping well at night, if she’s not behaving well, if she’s feeling sad etc etc. But these things happen anyway and most of the time they have nothing to do with me. I have learnt that by asking her the right questions I often find out what’s going on and usually there was something at school – normal kids stuff! And I actually enjoy also talking about these negative things with her and building a closer bond. I am already bracing myself for puberty though! That’s a very difficult phase for any parent and at least I will try not to take everything too much to heart. Even children who have a great relationship with their parents start to see them in a more negative light during puberty and distance themselves more and more. It’s all part of their development towards becoming independent adults. So, I am aware that I am a very obvious target for that phase. Even if it all makes sense now in theory, I am expecting it to be a very difficult time for me emotionally.
I am a good mother
These simple questions have helped me in times of uncertainty:
Do I love my children? Yes
Can I give them everything they want? No
Do I give them what they need? Yes
Do I put their needs before my own? Yes
Lessons learnt
Part one was so much shorter than part two. This is another lesson I have learnt: a lot more happened in my mind and through my emotions than actual events. I now choose to spend more time doing things I like than spending time beating myself or others up about stuff that I have no control over anyway. It’s easier said than done and has taken me a few years to get to where I am. And that is also ok – some things just take time. I am proud of what I have achieved so far and know I am stronger than I thought I was. There are definitely more challenges to come but I will try to overcome them while being kind to myself. My darkest moments in the last few years are what I fall back on today for inspiration. I can do this
Anonymous, UK
January 2021
