The mother-of-two is asking people not to judge her for leaving her children and urges them to look at the bigger picture.
Kristal Kinsela cries every single time she hangs up the phone after talking to her two children. She also cries every time she drops them back at their father’s place.
“It’s still very raw – I feel guilty all of the time for leaving them because, of course, I would rather that they live with me,” she tells Kidspot.
Despite her constant heartache, the 35-year-old knows deep down inside that has made the right decision by leaving her daughter, Allayah, 11, and her son, Kaylan, 9, with their father in Port Macquarie and moving to Sydney for her career.
Although, it was the hardest decision she has ever made – she made it with her children’s best interests at heart.
“The kids are so happy living with their dad in the family home they have always known,” she says.
“Their happiness means everything to me.”
Kristal appears on Insight at 8.30pm on SBS tonight to talk about the great parenting taboo: Why mothers leave their children.
The program investigates the complex reasons that cause women to walk away from family life – mental health issues, ambition, bitter custody battles and personal freedom, to name just a few.
“No one was happy, something was going to give”
When Kristal separated from her husband in 2012 she had sole care of the kids and moved to Sydney.
Two months after Kristal and the kids had settled into a new home and school in The Big Smoke, her ex-husband wanted their children to move back to Port Macquarie.
Kristal was slapped with a relocation order forcing them to move back to Port Macquarie where a bitter two-year custody battle ensued while both parents shared 50/50 care of their kids.
“The kids weren’t happy living between two homes”
There was no work for Kristal in her field is an Indigenous engagement consultant in Port Macquarie so she started up her own business but she could barely make ends meet.
“I only had one client last year and once that project was over I had nothing else,” she says. “It was really tough because I was wanting to provide for my kids.”
And the custody arrangement was not working at all.
“We weren’t coping – no one was happy – something was going to give,” Kristal explains.
“The kids weren’t happy living between two homes.”
The tough decision and even tougher chat
So Kristal started to think about what the best option was for her kids.
“My ex-husband and I were fighting all of the time so finally I just said to him one day ‘I’m sick of fighting with you – I think I need to get out of this situation’.”
After thinking about the idea of moving to Sydney for three months, Kristal finally made the toughest decision of her life.
Then she had to have the dreaded conversation with her kids.
“I was so scared but it went better than what I expected. It didn’t seem to come as a surprise – there were no tears. I said to them ‘I’m not leaving you – I’m leaving Port Macquarie’.”
“Everybody is in a much happier place”
So with a very heavy heart but not a single regret, Kristal packed up her life and moved to Sydney in December to further her career and provide for the two little people that mean more to her than anyone else in the world.
“Everybody is in a much happier place and my husband and I get along really well now. I speak to them all of the time and am involved in all of the decisions regarding them.”
Kristal sees the kids every second weekend and on the school holidays – and although she know she has made the right decision – it’s still very bloody tough.
“I don’t let the kids see me cry but I do every time I drop them off and every time I hang up from them. But what keeps me going is that my kids are happy and that’s all that matters,” she says.
“Plus I tell myself that it’s the best decision for now – who knows what will happen in the future.”
“You’re a mum – how could you do that?”
The judgemental reactions that Kristal experiences when she tells people that she doesn’t live with her children certainly doesn’t help the unbearable guilt that she already carries around.
“People say ‘I could never leave my children’ and ‘You’re a mum – how could you do that?’” she says.
“I tell them to look at the bigger picture but they just don’t understand.”
It’s these reactions that prompted Kristal to appear on Insight tonight.
“I never realised that there were so many women in similar situations, so I want people to realise that too.”
“It’s better than my kids living with me on Struggle Street”
Kristal’s childhood is a big reason why she is determined to succeed in her career and also to be able to provide for her children so they can have the best future possible.
“Mum raised my sister and me on her own on a pension in social housing in western Sydney – we were extremely poor,” she says.
“It taught me the value of an education and work. I want to be a good role model to my kids. I don’t want to become another Aboriginal statistic, so I think this decision is better than my kids living with me on Struggle Street.”
Mothers Who Leave airs on Insight on SBS tonight (Tuesday, June 7) at 8.30pm.
Source: kidspot.com.au
